I feel like shit.

I don't know why. But, I feel terrible now. When I think deeply, I got the answer...

I have a lot of things going on in my head right now. If I were me three years back, I wouldn't give a damn about anything/everything.

What's on my mind? Glad you asked. Here's a list.

The college.
I love the college. But I only love it as a student. Not as a President or anything. I just want to be a normal student like I used to be.

The orientation.
Like I said, I love the college. Just as a student. So, me joining the orientation? Thanks. But no thanks. If I can help, I'd help. But my mind screwed everything up. I can't handle this kind of pressure. As a president, I can't do it. As a student, that depends.

The college people.
When I said the college people, this includes my friends, lecturers, staffs, etc.. About my friends, I care about them. Do they care about me? I don't know. I wanted to help on the orientation, but they seem a bit unhappy about it. So, should I help? Nope. About the staffs, I think, they're going to look at me as an irresponsible leader. Yes. I admit that. I told one of the staffs that I hated working with people who happen to be my friends. I wanted to step down to secure the friendship. They wouldn't let me. So, who's at fault here? 'You' hate the 'blame culture' but 'you' can blame me? Shit. All I've got since I won the presidential election are all bullshits. (Maybe, I gave some bullshits too.) Although we did send our students to join some events, but.... The Student Council members were not there! So, I'm sorry friends. I can't be a good leader, but I can absolutely be a good friend.

My life.
I won't give up my life easily without trying. Even I was not trying hard, at least I tried. I gave it a shot. And I am (hardly) living my life right now. I have a lot to face. Work. The Student Council shit. My studies. My fitness. Almost everything I have to keep up with. Physically, you might see the Happy Me. But mentally, I'm slowly fading into the sub-conscience part of me. Sometimes, I feel like putting myself to sleep for eternity but lucky enough for me, the 'conscience' part of me has more strength of will.

These four things that are running through my mind are just some of the things that I have to think about. I still have to think what's under the hood in the future.

Where am I going?
What's my purpose of living?
What am I going to be?

My results are almost out. Another thing to worry about. I'm targeting a 3.0-ish CGPA. I hope I can get it. After that, my financial status. How am I going to pay my tuition fees without any financial aid? MARA. You guys are my only hope. If not, I would have to turn to other solutions (if any).... Finally, TOEFL. It's coming. In exactly 58 days 7 hours -and counting, from now.

"Wish I had a six-round revolver with a bullet in it. If I am lucky, the single bullet will meet the back of my head."

-Iamf.